Learning who or what I was.

You are a person. You could be LGBT like me, or maybe you're straight and cis. There's lots of reasons you might want to learn about trans people. Friends, relatives, and co-workers who are out might send you on an internet treasure hunt to learn about what I trans person is, what they go through, and how to act around them. It's easier than you think, and I'm here to help with learning what a trans person as a whole is, and what we go through day to day.

Whatever the reason you're here, welcome. There's lots of different kinds of trans people. Some discover late in their 30's or 40's and go "uh oh" one day realizing they weren't living as themselves, maybe once they learned that being trans is possible. Some of us (like me!) have small hints and as soon as we learn about other trans people we go "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and it all falls into place. Both of those are perfectly okay, and neither is better. We all are in this together, and can't fight over who's more trans. There's not nearly as much to say for the first one as it sort of just clicks one day, where when you have clues your whole life there's a lot of signs when you suddenly think "wait am I trans, I think I might be trans but have no idea how to be trans???" you might have doubts because this was normal and everyone wants to be the other gender sometimes right?

Looking back, I had SO MANY clues. I was picked on quite a bit during elementary school and was given last pick of characters when we played pretend. I was given Susan Storm when my three other friends got the rest of the fantastic four first and I was mostly disappointed when I learned she was about the wind and stuff, not that she was a woman. I tried to be Sango when my friends played as Inuyasha characters (I was made to be Shippo instead, and just kinda sat in the back.) but can you blame me, that giant boomerang was pretty badass.

Not just playing pretend though, in middle school I was full on bullied and some things stood out. One bus ride home for some reason or another I was decidedly the butt of some joke and they called me a feminine version of my deadname.* While I was smart enough to know the intention was harmful, one of my first thoughts after I told them off was that I wouldn't go with that name, it's too close to my name. I had been struggling with depression for a while and my hygiene took a turn from good to very bad. The bullying went from people kind of disliking me to full straight up standing up and yelling at me in class. This was the first time in my life I seriously thought about suicide. I wasn't very educated in how to bleed out, so I wondered what could be replaced with rope to make a noose and thought "hm maybe I could fit my head in a clothes hanger and choke myself until I stop breathing."

I want to remind you I was in grade 8.

*deadnames are pretty much what you think they are: the name before you transition. You normally don't tell anyone because that part of you is dead and buried.

During all of that I found the internet. This magical place that was full of other nerds who were just like me, they weren't like everyone else, didn't have many friends, and were also bullied. They taught me lots of things, what not to put in your ass, how to take out your frustration by making MS paint cartoons, and what games were good. I was a giant shit who searched out those shock sites, loved basking in the misery of others, but was always careful that it never went too far. It probably did but I was dealing with stress by taking it out on others and hadn't got the hang of this whole 'empathy' thing yet.

I never really made any friends on the internet other than two guys into the same music as me named Aiden and Tristan (Miss you guys!). Aiden was gay, and everyone I met through him which includes Tristan were pro LGB (the T is missing since that was iffy sometimes. Some people were okay with it and others were not.) and because of this I questioned "wait I think Aiden and Tristan are cute! Am I gay? Bi? oh no boys are cuuuuute." which after trying different sexualities to see what fits I settled with being bi (mostly because pansexual gets too many questions and snide comments even though it fits my views better).

I was now LGBT online, and started following other people who were LGBT. Trans people existed in front of me, and I wanted what they had but thought it was million dollar surgeries to get breasts and it would always be out of my reach. It was until a tumblr post mentioning that one trans woman mentioned that it was pills that I went "oh shit, this thing I wished would magically happen one day when I woke up randomly CAN HAPPEN AND ISN'T MAGIC." Suddenly I went from 0-100 I had hope for a life that I'd like. This was my first baby step on my road to becoming myself.

I knew what I was, but who was I? Tumblr was my website of choice most of the time at this point and I'd find new bands and reblog girls in dresses I wished I could wear. My dad is the kind of person that will talk AT you not with you sometimes. One such time he derailed his own rant to tell me how they picked my name. It was mostly just "we looked through and this sounded good, but this one grandma wanted and we thought about these ones" and suddenly I perked up when I heard "if you were a girl (I am, whoops!) we would've named you Caitlyn... with a K though so it'd be different." for some reason it clicked, the other choice was like Hailey or something that I probably forgot since I was very excited to make a new tumblr so I could be me. I then went home and was like "wait, how do you spell Caitlyn with a K? well... Katie has the i after the t so it's obviously Katilyn!" and it stuck. That's me now. I fucked up spelling my name and now whenever I see Kaitlyn it's not me but you slide that i over and suddenly my brain goes.... OH! ME!

Why do I say all this? Well, maybe you might have wondered "am I trans? I see a dress and I want to wear it but I think it's a kink or something..." well, here's the thing, try it on social media. Make a new account, does being the other gender fit? Does being neither fit? Does being both fit? Find what fits first, and you can always say "I'm questioning my gender, and I'm going to try and see what fits. Please be patient with me as I discover who I am." and hey, there's no shame if you try all of it and none of it fits and you were cis the whole time. You'll make new friends, and maybe become a fan of new things. You'll learn a lot, and maybe you'll find a new respect for trans people.

I started this whole journey about 5 or 6 years ago. I'm just starting to hit a breaking point where I cannot continue this cycle of dysphoria and depression. I must get some sort of help, income and health wise. I have to fight my shy and unnatural instinct to bottle up all my emotions because I don't want people to be able to make fun of anything that will actually hurt me. I've come out to a few people, and still have SO MANY to go. I haven't hit a bad one yet, but those will happen soon. These are all things you have to think about if you are trans.

This is how my journey went, and maybe if you think yours is similar you should get started on your own self discovery. There's no better way to be the best you than starting with being yourself.

--Katilyn

#trans #transgender #LGBT