Why I even did this.

What causes a random trans woman in her early 20's to write some dumb blog nobody will probably ever see? Mostly because I'm terrible to myself and shy beyond comprehension. I'd rather not ask for help because it'd mean talking to someone else, and probably almost killed myself with it. I'm trying to talk myself up for the appointment I'm going to have on the 20th then releasing them spread out so it looks like I may or may not have a life.

I'm terrible, I'd honestly destroy myself over my fear of people. I always was kind of told how I felt, and I never told doctors what was up, it was my parents saying how I was doing and how I felt. Thus to rebel I became so independent as to trying to take on a disease alone and just walking it off. I never even thought about asking for help with depression until the start of October. I've been too scared to transition for years. This is basically how I deal with everything, ignore it until it becomes a huge problem. That's how I'm going to come out to most people too, not going to until my body decides I have to.

I have so little courage too, doing anything that could take any sort of strength is beyond me. I mostly end up dealing with personal problems by crying at night and being alone. Watching too many cat videos then going to bed at 7am. It's super unhealthy but I'd like to be able to enjoy things normally but I have to stop being so depressed first. Even though it ain't great it'll get me through the worst parts. Part of this is writing for myself and I thought maybe it'd be cool to be able to find it a little easier than hunting through backups when I get new computers and whatnot.