Starting to start to transition

So my appointment happened yesterday, and I was prepared for the worst because I have issues with being vulnerable. I'm really bad with letting someone into like my life, and not just keeping them far enough away that I never have to deal with them knowing who I am. I'm so scared of like not being the person I hide behind, the scariest part of transitioning is I won't be able to hide how I feel behind someone else. Being someone with privilege is super easy, you can just pretend to not hear it when someone drops slurs but like I keep them receipts in my head and kind of stay away from people or am super cautious about being around them.

I had like disassociated or something on the walk there and the whole appointment still doesn't feel real. It started and I was like thinking of avoiding the only reason I went there, but like I can't take being super depressed all the time anymore and like said this isn't working. Then as I thought I'd have to explain what dysphoria was he started asking like how I was dysphoric and what the end goal was and my brain just shut off. I planned for the worst because I have issues but then it went perfectly which was THE ONE THING I DIDN'T PLAN FOR. I was actually so much more scared because I am the kind of person who needs to plan ahead and when he handled it so well and like admitted he wanted to learn more I was like losing it on the inside.

So like I was like freaking out on the inside, this was real. I was getting help for a struggle that felt so.... fake, since nobody ever like treated trans issues well in my family. I felt like I was wrong. It was like the first time someone took trans things seriously in my life. Well, except my trans friend in high school, but barely anyone around him handled knowing a trans person well. I'd be like "oh yeah [chosen name] is cool, and told me about thing." and get "oh you mean [birth name]" and I was really confused by that and didn't know to handle it so I went with what everyone else was doing (which was super wrong) because this was the first trans person I ever knew.

While I was having an internal struggle of trying to let someone help me, I was asked what pronouns and name I'd want to go by and while trying REALLY HARD NOT TO CRY because it was gonna be my first step on becoming myself, I went "oh, like... what I want to go by" YEAH NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I'm hard on myself but I felt really vulnerable and that's not something I'm used to. They're the name and pronouns I've used on the internet for like 5 years ever since I made the first tumblr (which I think was like FitForAKatilyn or something super edgy that was just changing a band name and shoving mine in there.) so like I KNOW THEM IT ISN'T HARD, ME.

Now to that office I am Katilyn and She/Her and it fucks me up to know that like all my appointments will be Katilyn because it makes me feel something in my chest that I can't understand. Like I get this fuzzy feeling of dysphoria lifting it's weight off of me for a second. I'm like scared but in a way that feels good, because I'm going to actually start living my life.

#LGBT #transgender #trans