Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

There's a thing where since I was socialized male I easily made friends with guys because I'd just pretend to be them and do exactly what I wanted hear because I'm scared that if I don't they'll know. I've said things I'm really uncomfortable with because of this, for some reason I think that if I don't agree with whatever fucked up thing they say or do what they want me to they'll know I'm trans. It's not rational because I think it'll be like the second I don't give them what they want they will just know 100% for sure and have receipts. It makes it hard because now whenever I talk to these people I try to be something I'm not then I'll feel dysphoric about maybe I'm not pretending, maybe I'm too far gone into being socialized male.

Of course then I realize I am the odd one out and almost everyone thought I was gay. I've heard from like 5 people that everyone thought I was gay. I understand I give off some vibes that are for sure not like cis het male vibes. I've been asked if I'm gay by my dad so like it's obvious enough. It's obviously something and female ads always affected me, I was always very confused when I saw the men's abs in ads and would think "you're supposed to want to be that?" then see women with abs and be like "wait, why can't I be that?" but didn't quite understand what an LGBT was so I thought I was stuck.

I now understand that being different kind of threw me out of being socialized male normally, and knowing I was trans without a word to attach it to helped me gain female traits, but I was still socialized male mostly. I'm not sure what to say anymore, I just feel kind of bad and am working on trying to lose my toxic masculinity and internalized transphobia. I just feel like there's too much to do and I don't have the ability to do it.

#MentalHealth #LGBT #transgender #trans #eatingdisorder #dysphoria